


The Light In My Life

by thesilencebeforeastorm



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Family, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Blood, College AU, Crying, Cutting, F/M, Fear, Loss of blood, Panic, Self Harm, graphic details of cutting and blood, lots of feels, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25233700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesilencebeforeastorm/pseuds/thesilencebeforeastorm
Summary: Jean is a college kid who deals with verbal abuse from his parents. No longer having hope that things will get better, he attempts to end his life in his dorm room until the reader and Marco come to help
Relationships: jean kirschtein x reader, jean kirstein x reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	The Light In My Life

**Author's Note:**

> GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SELF HARM! If you can't read stuff like that, then DON'T continue! Also, the text messages are supposed to be in italics but I can't do that here. If you do read, enjoy and leave a comment if you like!

Nothing was going right in his life.

Of course he had you and he had his best friend Marco so that wasn’t so bad. You two were the best things that had ever appeared in his life but his situation back at home was unbearable. His parents hated him and always treated him like shit for no reason. He tried many times to work things out but it would always end up with one of them shouting at the other in a big fight. 

Jean found college as an escape. He was far away from that hell, enjoying the company of his friends, his girlfriend, and joining clubs to keep his mind busy, but when the semester was over or they were on a week’s break from school, his heart raced with anxiety at the thought of going back home. 

It was two days away from the spring semester being over and while students were packing up their stuff to go home to spend time with their families or do other summer activities, Jean stood alone in his dorm room, sitting on the floor with his back pressed to his bed. He couldn’t handle it anymore, he couldn’t handle life anymore. He didn’t have his own place as a permanent escape and so school was only temporary. Dark thoughts clouded his mind, unable to see any light and hope for a better future. It pained him to think that he would leave his girlfriend behind and his best friend who would suffer greatly if he was gone but at the same time, part of him just wanted to leave this world behind.

He sat there shaking, knife in his hand that he had found somewhere in his room, staring at the wall in front of him. His heart was racing, his hands and forehead sweaty for what he was about to do and when he would do it. He looked at a photo of the two of you on his desk, tears piling up at his eyes from the pain. He decided that he should leave you some kind of note, something that you could read. There was a little part of him that wanted to be saved from this hell and so he found the fastest way to reach you. He pulled out his phone from his pocket, letting the knife go for a brief second so he could type up his last words. Minutes went by and he had finally pressed send, resting his phone at his side before picking up the knife again. He gritted his teeth as he held the knife at his left wrist, his logical side of his brain telling him to stop. Fighting and winning the battle in his own head, he cut deep into his wrist, biting down on his lip harshly at the pain. He continued cutting, bringing the knife towards him on his arm and watching the crimson blood flow out of his veins, his breathing heavy as he did so. He suddenly felt weak, his vision becoming blurry and dizziness taking over as the knife fell from his grasp. His breathing began to slow down as he looked over at the photo again. At least it was going to be over… 

~

~

It was half past noon as you were eating lunch in the cafeteria at your university. You settled for a simple sandwich and a fruit since you didn’t really find today’s food appetizing. Everyone rambled on about what they were going to be doing during their summer break, whether it was parties, the beach or being with family. You rolled your eyes at them, chuckling softly before you realized what was to come. You were well aware of Jean’s situation back home and knew that he dreaded going there. You met his parents one time and it was a horrible experience, something that Jean swore he would never put you through again. You wondered where he was at since he had been quiet for most of the day but you figured he was busy packing his stuff. Getting up to toss your trash away, you walked back in the direction of your table to head on out of the cafeteria until you got a text message on your phone. Unlocking your screen, you saw it was from Jean and felt some joy that he finally wrote to you but noticed that he wrote to you an entire paragraph. You took the time to read it while you were still standing.

From: Jean

“Y/n… from the moment I met you, I knew that you were the right girl for me. The way your smile lit up a room only shed some light to my dark life and I finally felt some joy with you ….”

You smiled thinking it was a random love note he wrote to you. You continued reading the message. 

From: Jean

“With summer break coming up soon, the light in my life would be leaving back home and my life would be back in darkness… I don’t think I can handle going back there… To be honest I don’t think I can handle living at all…”

Your eyes widened at his words, wondering what he was referring to with that last sentence but not wanting to think the worst. You continued reading. 

From: Jean

“What I’m about to do isn’t your fault. It isn’t Marco’s fault either. You guys always tried your best, cheering me up when I felt low and letting me stay at your places whenever you could, no matter how far it was. I don’t want you to cry, even though I know that’s impossible but I hate seeing you cry… I don’t know if I’m writing this to you for some kind of saving but.. I just want you to know that you did the best you could. I love you and always keep smiling okay?”

“Oh my god…” you whispered as your heart literally dropped right there, trying to process the message you just read. Your heart then began racing at the idea of Jean, your Jean taking his own life. You were frozen in place for a second but eventually snapped out of it and ran out of there in a panic. You ran as fast as you could, not caring who saw or spoke to you to ask you what was wrong. You just had to find Jean.

You dashed across the halls, eventually finding his dorm room, knowing that that was the only place he could possibly be at. You tried to open the door but realized it was locked and that drove you more mad in fear. 

“Jean! Open the door!” you yelled out as you pulled on the door handle forcefully, trying to pry the door open. It didn’t work and you didn’t get any response.

“Jean god dammit, open the door!!”. Your screams were becoming louder with every passing second, banging on the door now for him to open it. If he wasn’t opening the door by now, it meant he was either about to harm himself or the harm had already been done. 

“Y/n!”

In that moment, you heard your name and footsteps running towards you as fast as they could from the end of the hall. Looking at who it was and hoping they would help you, you noticed it was Marco. 

“Marco! He’s trying to kill himself!” you yelled out to him, panic racing though your body.

“I know, he texted me. Move back!”, he called out, his own fear written all over his face. You moved back as he charged through, his side making contact with Jean’s door as it finally opened. What you saw next was something you had wished to never see in your life.

~

“NO!” you screamed as you saw Jean sitting on the floor, his back pressed to his bed. You saw the crimson colored blood flowing out of his veins and onto the floor, wondering how long he had been like that and if he was already gone. Not wasting any time, you ran to his side while Marco froze for a second. 

“Jean! Jean!” you cried out as you cupped his face to see if you would get some type of response since his eyes were closed. You placed your finger on his neck to check if he had a pulse and finally felt one thought it was very weak. At least it was a sign that he was still alive.

You noticed Marco was frozen in that second and you had to snap him out of it.

“He’s still alive! Marco, go find something to tie up his arm with, a sock, a tie, anything!” Finally snapping out of it, he went to check for what you requested. You focused your attention back at Jean.

“Jean, baby please look at me” you pleaded as he finally took in a weak breath and opened his eyes. He tilted his head slowly to look at you, tears staining his cheeks, the light in his eyes slowly fading out but still holding on. He was pale as ever, his color fading the more blood flowed out from his arm.

“What did you do Jean.. why”, you asked him through your sobs, knowing why he did it but still not accepting the scene before you.

“I got something! Here!” Marco yelled out, handing you two pairs of socks while he had his own. Letting go of Jean’s face, you looked at his arm horrified at what he did. The cut was pretty deep with no means to stop bleeding. You lifted his arm slowly but shaky, wrapping the socks under and around it, tying it tight to stop the bleeding. The blood would eventually seep through but the socks but it was what Marco could find. You were almost done when you saw Jean’s head tilt to the side from the corner of your eyes causing you to hand off your last sock to Marco before cupping his face forcefully, his blood now staining his cheeks.

“No no no, don’t you dare close your eyes on me, Kirschtein! You stay awake for me, you hear me!?” He opened his eyes once more, fighting the battle to stay awake before he finally said his first words.

“Don’t cry…”, he whispered, only causing you to cry more.

“We gotta take him to the nurse so they can call for more help from there. I gotta move him.”

Listening to Marco’s words, He placed his arm carefully on his stomach as he went to pick up Jean from his right side. He lifted him up, both of your hands covered in his blood as you left the room and rushed to get him some help…

~

~

It had been hours since Jean attempted to end his life. The nurse did all she could before calling an ambulance to take him to a hospital. Jean ended up needing surgery because of how deep the cut in his arm was, which only made your heart ache with anticipation as you waited in the waiting room with Marco. His blood still stained your hands even though you had tried to wash it off, Marco’s hands being in the same state. Staring off into space, Marco finally broke the uncomfortable silence.

“I’m gonna talk to my parents to see if Jean can live with me. He can’t go back home, especially in his state”, he gritted through his teeth, his hands balling up into a fist. He cursed at Jean’s parents in his head.

“Right…” you slowly said in response to him.

You wanted to know what Jean told Marco in his last text message so you asked him for his phone. Handing his phone over, you read through it, Jean telling him how he was the best friend he could never ask for and asking for him to take care of you after he was gone. Your eyes became watery again, realizing that he had a whole plan laid out after he was gone. Handing the phone back to Marco not being able to read the texts anymore, the doctor came into the waiting room, causing you two to stand up and rush to him.

“Is Jean okay??” you and Marco asked him at the same time. 

“Mr. Kirschtein will be fine though he lost a lot of blood. He needed a blood transfusion but he is out of danger. You’ll be able to see him soon.”

“Oh thank God” you replied, your hand clutching your chest as more tears fell from your eyes and leaned into Marco. 

“Do you know his parents contact information?” the doctor asked. “We went to check his records but he didn’t have any”.

“We’re his family” you said, disregarding that he still had living parents. If they didn’t care for him when he was alive, they wouldn’t care if he was dead. “We take care of him”.

“I see,” he replied. “In that case, I’ll notify you when you can see him, he’s still asleep from surgery.”

You nodded in response before turning over to hug Marco tight as a sob escaped your lips once more. He cried too.

~

Some time had passed before the doctor notified you that Jean was awake.Heading over, you walked into the room slowly as your eyes widened to see Jean on the bed, your breathing slightly unsteady. His face was facing the window, his arm bandaged up heavy before turning over to you two. The doctor gave you three privacy as you walked over to Jean’s side.

“Hi baby… how you feeling” you softly said, brushing his short light brown locks away from his face. 

He opened his eyes and blinked slowly as he sighed at your touch, giving you a soft smile. “Tired”, he said in a whisper. He took notice that Marco was standing next to you. “Hey”, Jean said to him.

“Hey.. you gave us a scare there man… we thought we lost you.”

He blinked in confusion as to what Marco was talking about before he slowly looked down at his arm and then back at you, realizing what he had done. He didn’t have a perfect memory of the events that happened but he remembered the pain that he felt in his chest and the photo he saw of you two. He took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry… I -”

“Don’t be sorry… you have to focus on getting better for yourself, for Marco, for us” you replied, holding his hand softly, fearing not wanting to hurt him. 

His mind then remembered that he had to go home soon. His breathing slowly sped up, the monitors numbers changing ever so slightly.

“Hey hey what’s wrong, you’re heart rate is speeding up”, you said, eyeing the machine in concern before cupping his face.

“Home”, he said, his eyes becoming watery.

“You don’t have to worry about going back there ever. I already spoke to my parents about it and you’re coming to live with me. We’ll take care of your stuff and you too”, Marco said.

His heart rate became steady again before looking at Marco and then back at you, as if he couldn’t believe the words he was hearing. His face started becoming red as he let out a sob. 

“Oh, Jean”, you replied, holding him close but conscious about his arm. You kissed his lips through the tears and then on his cheeks, tasting the salty tears on your lips. “It’s gonna be okay…”

~

And everything did turn out okay. Marco took care of Jean’s things back at the university and at his home, hearing harsh words from Jean’s parents but he didn’t care. Jean eventually got cleared to go home and being given a second chance at life with you and Marco at his side, maybe he could finally feel pure happiness once again.


End file.
